Can't you just love me for who I am

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Let's get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

you're equipped to be a

It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?



The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Fatwa Online !!

Is it permissible to wear a tie? Is it permissible to tuck one's shirt into one's trousers?

(Fatwa: 1282/1096=L/1429)

(1) It is not allowed.

(2) By tucking shirt into trouser, the parts of the body which should not be displayed are more revealed. Therefore it will be makrooh (undesirable). However, pant and shirt is the clothing of those involved in sin and obscenity; therefore Muslims should avoid wearing pant and shirt.

and Allah (Subhana Wa Ta'ala) Knows Best

If the pant's hems are at ankles(below the ankles) can they be folded before performing Namaz?

(Fatwa: 1565/208=B/1429)

It is unlawful (haram) to wear lungi, pyjama, pant etc out of pride below ankles whether you are in or out of salah. Performing salah in this state is makrooh tahrimi (undesirable to an extent of haram). If one wears pants above his ankles but by chance if it comes down below ankles because of some reasons, then it will not be considered haram. If one folds up his pants before salah above ankles the salah will not be makrooh. In the Hadith, it is prohibited to play with clothes in salah i.e. doing so is against the Sunnah as well as khushu (concentration and absorption in salah). However, the salah will be valid with karahah (undesirability). It is not necessary to repeat the salah. This is the right and correct ruling, one should act upon accordingly.

and Allah (Subhana Wa Ta'ala) Knows Best

Darul Ifta, Darul Uloom Deoband

ASSLAAMALAIKUM, I am studying in eng. college in B.Tech course.I have applied for education loan in minority commision.LOAN IS GRANTED BY THE STATE GOVERNMENT @3% interest. is it halal for me as my parents are unable to pay a huge amount of fees.please clear my confusion.

It is unlawful to give and take interest. If you can continue your education through any lawful income source, then you must adopt it, otherwise in case of dire difficulty and compulsion, it is allowable to take education loan and you must continually do repentance and seek forgiveness while deeming it a sin.

Asalamualaikum, My question is that does Islam allow us to use pirated or cracked software? As original software are expensive & found rarely.

It is not right to use it without the permission of its owner.

and Allah (Subhana Wa Ta'ala) Knows Best


Assalamu-alaikum, While sneezing comes, what should we do? Someone says, we should control it at our best, if not possible, then we can use the front side of left hand to cover-up the mouth. Another alim says, rather reverse side of pump of the left hand should be used to cover-up. Which one is correct? Zazakallahu khairan.

One should not withhold the sneezing. The abovementioned matter is of yawning, one can put inner and outer side of his palms upon his mouth while yawning, and both ways are allowed. It is in Shami that if a person is in standing position in salah, he should use his right hand whether outer or inner side, and if he is in other positions of salah he should use the outer side of his left hand. (Shami, 1:477) But this is the ruling of yawning (no sneezing) which is called tathaub in Arabic. The sneezing which is called utaas in Arabic, there is no ruling to control it. The Hadith says: ان الله يحب العطاس ويكره التثاؤب (Allah like sneezing and dislikes yawning) And it is narrated in Bukhari and Muslim:

Is it permissible to use utensils such as forks, knives, spoons etc. to eat?

One can use the things mentioned in the question when needed. But, it is prohibited to use them as fashion and avoid eating with fingers.

and Allah (Subhana Wa Ta'ala) Knows Best

Assalam mu Alaykum, When is sexual intercourse haraam and when is it makrooh. And what is haraam during sexual intercourse and what is makrooh.

(1) No, she can not. Such a woman has been cursed in Hadith.

(2) She should cut her nails fortnightly, if not weekly. If one did not cut the nails for fourteen days then one will be sinful whether a woman or a man.

(3) Every time she will perform Umrah she will have to cut the hair of her head equal to one third of her finger. If the hair reached up to her shoulder then also she has to cut the same.

What type of eveidence should be required to charge an adultery on woman? like whether four men see that particular female having sexual intercourse. or having relations with other men out of Islamic boundries like in a separate or going out alone with other man. If one wife is found guilty of having lewdness relations with other men then is he liable to give dower (Meher) at the time of divorce.

Four witnesses are requited to establish the offence of adultery. These witnesses will have to bear witness in this way: "I have seen so and so man doing intercourse with so and so woman in a way as pin of kohl is inserted in kohl-jar." One can not blame a woman of adultery just by seeing her going out alone with a man:

ویثبت الزنا بشھادۃ أربعۃ رجال فی مجلس واحد بلفظ 'زنا' لا مجرد لفظ الوطئ و الجماع، فیسألھم الامام عنہ ما ھو؟ کیف ھو؟ و أين هو؟ و متی زنی؟ فان بینوہ و قالوا رأیناہ وطئھا فی فرجھا کالمیل فی المکحلۃ و عدلوا سراً و علانیۃً حکم بہ (الدر المختار مع الشامی: 6/8)

(2) Yes, he has to give her mehr (dower) in case of talaq.

Dear Mufti, Asalamualaikum, I want to ask is network marketing is allowed in islam? Is it permisable to take the commission from the pepoles works whos is working below you?

Network marketing is neither based on partnership nor Muzarba (investment by one partner and work by other), rather it consists of many invalid conditions, and it is similar to lottery and gambling. Also, there is so much deception that in the greed of wealth it can trap the entire population in financial crisis. Therefore, it is Islamically unlawful to become its member or to take commission from the work of the persons below you while you do not have a share in their work.

reply to email spam

You heard the joke at a social dinner some 5 years ago. Was that the last one you were invited to before others found you to be insensitive and ignorant ? A simple e mail to the sender would have been enough without displaying to 's friends and colleagues that she has made one significant mistake in her life and that was imagining than there was honour in us all. Please don't trouble to reply as your opinions do not concern me.

Court detains preacher with 86 wives

A Nigerian Muslim court Monday detained an 84-year-old Islamic preacher with 86 wives after he failed to heed a call by local leaders to divorce all but four of them.

The authorities in central Niger state charged Mohammed Bello with "insulting religious creed" and "unlawful marriages" after local chiefs and Muslim leaders gave him until September 7 to comply with Islamic sharia law, which allows a man to have no more than four wives at a time.

The preacher, who lives with his wives and some 170 children in the town of Bida, pleaded not guilty to the charges at an Upper Sharia Court in the state capital Minna.

Court detains preacher with 86 wives | Oddly Enough | Reuters

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Performance Reviews

These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
17. Bright as Alaska in December.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
23. He's so dense, light bends around him.
24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

When You’re Twenty-Seven Years and Single

And so the time came for me to pick a boy. To marry. “You know, because twenty-seven years is the perfect age and your daughter has finished her education Mr. Agarwal,” and, “It is the right thing to do before she gets too old and all the good ones get taken,” and, “Because the good ones do get taken early Mr. Agarwal, in fact, it might already be too late to find a well-bred, single doctor/engineer boy for your daughter.”

And so, like most Indian girls whose parents start looking for an eligible match, my singleness was the topic of many a long conversation at miscellaneous social gatherings. “Beta, did you not find any nice boy all those years in college?” Translation: “You poor thing, you really should have gone on that diet I told your mother about last year.”

When You’re Twenty-Seven Years and Single : When You’re Twenty-Seven Years and Single, Kanishka Agarwal blogs on sulekha, Personal blogs, Kanishka Agarwal blog from india

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UML: The Positive Spin

Finding a use for UML

Obviously the UML will not be useful to any software developer. Could it perhaps be useful to someone else? Project managers, perhaps? Company executives? The companies themselves? Of course not. Indeed the documents make no pretense of such usefulness, and for good reason. It is hard to imagine what benefit a business could get from pages of cryptic diagrams about hazy properties of a poorly understood system.

A friend who was at an object-oriented conference recently told me of all the UML jokes that O-O experts -- some of the most respected people in the field -- were trading during the breaks and in the back of the rooms. He couldn't believe the contrast between the public hype and the private disparagement. But CEOs and other decision makers only hear the hype; they are told that UML is object-oriented, or more often that object-oriented means UML. When it fails to help their software development, UML will give a bad name to the whole O-O field. Given the marketing blitz around it, UML, by not delivering on its promises, has the potential of delaying the progress of object technology by ten years.

The reason I did not discover it earlier is that it only appears in the conclusion. A strange place to describe what one was trying to write about all along, but better than no place at all. Of course what I found is not a technical goal (UML, as I said already, serves no software-related purpose whatsoever, and that's fine with me -- some people have better things to do with their lives than trying to improve software technology). It is not a managerial goal, at least not for people managing software projects. It is not a business goal, at least not for any business using UML. But it is a goal.

When I finally discovered that goal, I was almost driven to tears by the authors' noble and generous spirit. It would be unfair to say that the piles of UML documentation are empty of any substance, when in fact they contain one genuine idea. I found it in the very last paragraph of the very last report describing the 0.91 revision [2]. There it was in all its openness, explaining everything I had theretofore misunderstood in my youthful naiveté. How could I criticize the method for not helping software developers or managers, when it does not care about software development at all, but only about developing a market for consultants and trainers? Everything started to make sense: the complexity and bizarreness of the notation, which I had foolishly taken for a deficiency, are in fact among its most attractive qualities, since they make for endless business opportunities, for Rational and perhaps even for others as well; so does its lukewarm adoption of object-oriented ideas, since it means a consultant does not even have to like or understand object technology to profit from UML.

My long search had not been in vain. It had led me to a full appreciation of the UML, this admirable self-feeding machine, devoted from A to Z to the creation of a new market, free of any of the difficulties associated with the unpleasant business of software development: UML books! UML courses! Courses on the books! Books on the courses! Books on the books! Introductory courses to prepare for the advanced courses! Courses for those who teach the courses! Revisions! UML journals! Conferences! Workshops! Tutorials! Standards! Committees! T-shirts! The more you think about the possibilities, the more dazzling they look. And for any reader brave or bored enough to read the documents to the end, the grand scheme is all there, laid out in the final paragraph.

Reminds me of Amway, Rich Dad Poor Dad.

Couple Brought Together Through Mutual Desperation | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

After years of unrelenting disappointment and failure on the dating scene, eligible singles Karen Ridenour and Paul Klein forged an instant, clinging bond last month through a mutual desperation born mainly out of an intense fear of being unloved for the rest of their lives.

Couple Brought Together Through Mutual Desperation | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

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How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

“Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part.”

Socrates meets Jesus

A good intro to Christianity.

There is one basic question that has always been uppermost in my mind. Although it has always been an insurmountable obstacle to me in my search for the truth and meaning, I am sure that with your learning you will find it far to easy and think me a foolish old man. I have always longed to live honorably and nobly, but it seems that I have merely stumbled through life without even even knowing what was honorable or noble. With my limited understanding, it often seems to me that life, even with all its sound and fury, really signifies nothing. Please tell me: How should a man live; what is the purpose of life.

If God is just or merciful, how can he do this to an enemy who fought him in battle. Why did God not simply pardon Satan after defeat as men often do to a captured nation after they defeat it? Mankind would seem in victory to be more merciful than God; for they do not treat the vanquished to such terrible torments for even a lifetime, let alone for all eternity. Why did God not show the qualities that you described as his justice, mercy, compassion, and forgiveness to Satan? Certainly God's warlike nature is in marked contrast with your definition of the term God as being peaceful, merciful and all forgiving.

And who for gracious sakes is the devil? Surely he must be a god to be able to visit such powerful calamities on mankind: Yet you have just said there is only one God. Also you have said that all that exists comes from God: And now you say that only good comes from God and all evil comes from someone called the devil. These would seem to be contradictions. I am afraid that your religion is far too complex for this old head to fathom. Yet I will be an eager student and try hard to understand, if you will but help me. Please explain: who is the devil and how can all things come from God and yet not come from God?

These qualities are, however, not necessarily consistent. It is not possible for a person to be just, peaceful and merciful, all in one instance or situation. If a person or a nation deserves punishment by the rule of justice, you must punish him or wage war on them, but this would be a violation of the rule of peace or mercy. No one being could have all these qualities because they contradict each other; they cannot exist together in the same person at the same time. It is as though a man had turned both left and right at the same corner at the same time, while still remaining whole and entire.

Socrates:

If Satan is locked in Hell, how can he bring plagues and torments on mankind and why does God allow it if he is all powerful and all good? If God is all powerful, how is it that he permits this evil Satan to survive? Why does he not destroy him? Although I begin to wonder, at this point, if the opposite course would not be better.

Jesus:

God allows Satan to be free to bring plagues and torments on mankind in order to punish man for his sin in the Garden of Eden.

Let me give you a specific example. Suppose the Oracle of Delphi told me a certain person was guilty of killing and raping my wife and that I should kill him or else he will kill me, fearing that I will discover his crime and kill him; and you tell me 'thou shalt not kill.' You tell me that I must believe by faith by whatever I am told. Following your injunction, I must kill the man because of my faith in the Oracle of Delphi and I must not kill the man because of my faith in Lord God. For I cannot both kill the man and not kill the man because they are contradictory. Therefore, I cannot believe in both the Oracle of Delphi and the Lord God. Therefore, it is impossible for me to believe anything by faith alone. There is an intellectual choice that you and I and all men make, whether it is voluntary or not, as to what we believe. What would you rather do: make choice by thinking, discussing and considering all the aspects of the problem or by blindly denying that there is any choice necessary? This choice is the most important one in a man's life because the answer to the question, "what is the purpose of life?" determines the whole course of a man's life. If a man is to direct his every move by his religion, as you advocate, then certainly, he must put a great deal of thought into his choice of religions. Let me tell you a parable: If you are to go from one city to another on some task that involves your whole life, would it not be wise to consider all the routes, whether some of them are frequented by robbers, whether there is not a closer or safer city to go to, or , indeed, whether there is any city there at all?

Belgian politico to orally pleasure 40,000

Tania Derveaux represents NEE, an "impartial protest movement running for senate in the Belgian elections of June 10 2007", which "offers voters in Belgium the option to vote 'NEE' if they find that none of the parties deserve their vote".

According to Ms Derveaux, she originally pledged to create 400,000 jobs as a "response to incredible claims that were made by other parties in Belgium". This prompted wags to demand 400,000 blowjobs, which Derveaux has wisely reduced to 40k.

The Dilbert Principle

The Dilbert Principle refers to a 1990s satirical observation stating that companies tend to systematically promote their least-competent employees to management, in order to limit the amount of damage that they're capable of doing.

Picture of the year

Thanks to Venkat.

CAT v. 7.0: Completely Autonomous Tester

The CAT User's Manual

Production Details: After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onside ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be variations between units. MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected units.

Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import restrictions.

The unit may be placed in direct sunlight. CAT units are operational in all axis: standing, sitting, or laying down. If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.

Your CAT should have a system name. The name may need to be reinitialized repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse the system. Such units will sit across the room with its back to you.