It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. There is no fun in doing nothing when you have nothing to do. Wasting time is merely an occupation then, and a most exhausting one. Idleness, like kisses, to be sweet must be stolen. - Jerome K. Jerome
Women tend to be the relationship specialists and men tend to be task specialists. Women are typically the experts in "rapport talk" which refers to the types of communication that build, maintain, and strengthen relationships. Rapport talk reflects skills of talking, nurturing, emotional expression, empathy, and support. Men are typically the experts in task accomplishment and addressing questions about facts. They are experts in "report talk," which refers to the types of communication that analyzes issues and solves problems. Report talk reflects skills of being competitive, lacking sentimentality, analyzing, and focusing aggressively on task accomplishment.
It is more common for women to show affection through talking, but it is more common for men to show affection by doing things—either doing things together or doing separate things within the same physical space. Sometimes not talking—not having to talk—is a sign of trust and intimacy for men.
So, the next time you feel surprised, disappointed, or angry with someone's response to something you have said, ask yourself if he or she may have "misheard" you. Is the other responding to your problems with a solution, when you wanted to receive sympathy? Is the other responding to your message of affection with a message of status? If so, you will be able to help the other to understand the source of your miscommunication, and avoid the hurt feelings and conflicts that sometimes follow.
It's difficult to speak of things that are very deep isn't it? One can talk of matters that do not lie too deeply, but it requires a certain confidence in oneself and the listener to broach a problem, the very existence of which one has hardly admitted even to oneself for fear of awakening the echo of darker things that have been asleep for so long. In this case it isn't that I don't trust the listener," she added quickly. "I have more than confidence in you. But to put certain feelings into words is not easy, especially when one has never before expressed them in words. The feelings are familiar, but the words to describe them are not. Words are terrible things, aren't they? But I know you are not impatient, and I shall go at my own pace.
For for too long, I've assumed that I can express myself better in English. I've been struck by a thunderbolt (for lack of better words!) in Jan last week. My world is twisted and tormented.
Everything looks different. Everything is different. From a world of thought, I'm fused to a world of feelings. Suddenly, I realize the emptiness of English. It neither helps me access my feelings nor communicate them. The challenge in expressing feelings is multiplied! Not only is it difficult to express feelings in words, it is doubly so when doing in a language that is suddenly foreign!
But, can I express feelings in Telugu? Is my language Telugu or Telangana? I've never expressed feelings in my language! How does one go about it, when the vocabulary to deal with feelings is severely limited? I think it is better to express in Telugu, when I feel deeply, instead of resorting to English, regardless of the vocabulary constraints.
A tragicomic situation
We are Martians from a billion-year-old civilization. We studied Earthlings intensively and found that they have a staggeringly complex cortex, with a wide range of advanced mental skills, an infinite associative capacity, a virtually limitless storage capacity, and a similarly limitless ability to generate new ideas and associations. In addition, these Earthlings have a magnificently complex and physical body to support and transport this intelligence, the psychological ability to enhance their own skills, and an inbuilt curiosity that drives them to explore all aspects of the universe.
We next observed that, in attempting to gain access to their vast mental
capabilities, the members of this race are squeezing their intelligences out only through the incredibly narrow and restrictive channel of language.
In my case, it is tragic, I fail to see the comedy at this juncture in my life. :(
What he means: its not along expected lines. What he really means is atypical. A person looking at his words, would understand it differently.
Look past the words. This is critically important in a conversation.
This understanding - of what he means by typical - is a shared context: cultural context, a limited geographic context, between a group, or just between the two of them. Corresponding examples: all people in AP use typical that way; in nalgonda district; a small group of friends who grew up together; or just my friend who I really know and what he means by each word.
Without a shared context -- the information is inaccessible. The appearance of conversation is there, but they would be talking past each other.
As an aside: humor is extremely sensitive to the shared context. People cannot appreciate humor the same way unless they share a context. Many people learn a language, but can't access humor. Learning English doesn't help a lot in understanding Stephen Colbert.
Note: I will use words to mean words, phrases and sentences.
Words do not mean the same to everyone. Words are not precise, they ain't numbers (assume that numbers mean the same to everyone!).
Words have memory association. A meaning is assigned to a word based on how it is learnt and memorized.
Most people strongly associate negative connotations to words. Hence they get offended quickly. "Taught a lesson" conveys nothing negative to me, but I know a person who would be severely offended by it.
Profanities work the same way. People associate negative connotations. Profanities have no impact on me, they don't convey any specific information. People resort to profanities when they are are emotional. It is important to look beyond the words to see what caused the profanities.
To summarize: It takes a lot of time and energy to understand a person. Time, first, because amass a lot of *conversation*, and a lot of background info. Listening is important. Energy, because this is a continuous process. Understanding needs to be constantly revised until the other persons framework is completely accessible and information is received the right way - that is, you can completely look past the words and into the person.
We can see talking past each other in a lot of intellectual debates. The opponents do not spend enough time and energy to understand the other side. Without understanding, there is no room for co-operation. And the debate continuse!!
Pro reservation vs Anti reservation. Socialist vs free-market. Conservatives vs liberals (they have different channels of morality) - http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/jonathan_haidt_on_the_moral_mind.html
